It’s interesting, the cycles people go through. It’s been so long since I wrote anything – blog or otherwise. Unless it was homework. Yes, I’ve been doing that. I started working as casual call-in support staff for the school division here. That’s really just a long way of saying I’m a substitute, but not a teacher. I do education assistant coverage and library coverage in a variety of schools, from K-12. It’s mostly fun, and sometimes a little tedious.
At least the EA part of it is. I enjoy the times when the job is academic support, and don’t always enjoy when the job is behaviour support. But it gets me out of the house, into settings where there are other adults, and brings in a bit of extra cash, which is always worth it.
The library is just fun, most especially in the elementary schools. I love reading to the little kiddos and having them react and interact. Sometimes their comments go off track, but I prefer to have them verbally engaged than to just sit there expected not to say anything at all. I also love the organization in a library, and the ritualistic structure of checking books out and checking books in. I love the way it’s visited by every student at some point during the week. I enjoy engaging aspiring readers by finding books suited to their interests, or by bringing their attention to other topics. The list goes on. I’m never unhappy subbing in the library.
So, this is why I have homework. I am taking a Library Operations certificate online. It’s considered a 2 year program, consisting of 6 required and 3 elective courses, with a maximum completion limit of 5 years. I began in March of this year, and right now I’m taking my 3rd and 4th courses. This is something that I have committed to doing for myself. Throughout my life I’ve been super-bad at finishing things. I get bored, mostly because I find most things quite easy, and I’ve never been pushed to try anything more challenging. So I suppose my challenge will be to push myself. I have grand imaginings of completing a Bachelor’s degree in General Studies (I have a LOT of this-and-that at college level), and perhaps going on to complete a Master’s in Library Sciences. But I know, that if I set such lofty goals for myself this early on, I’ll just feel sad and disappointed if things don’t end up working out. So, for now, subbing in the libraries keeps that ember of interest alive for me, and my goal is to complete the certificate.
This is where lonely comes into play. I sit here, in my house, where it’s quiet and mostly clean. Winter has set in here, and there are several centimetres of snow on the ground. It’s -7C outside (at 10 AM), and the colder nights have frozen the pond. It’s beautiful, but the snow makes me feel housebound, even though I am not. I am sitting on the couch, my laptop in front of me, and have just finished my second cup of really good coffee.
Homework time, right? Sure. Except I get through three pages of extremely dry reading and begin to feel… sad?… moody?… bored? I’m not sure. I turn on the TV so that I can have some background noise and that helps a lot, but I still feel the need to fill the empty room with my thoughts.
And so, here I am, writing to the anonymous void, with no guarantee that anyone will read what I wrote, or relate even if they read this. But that doesn’t matter. Just the act of writing out my thoughts and trying to give voice and circumstance to this uneasy-ish feeling is all it takes for me to be able to feel lighter. Less lonely.
Sometimes it’s crocheting or cross-stitching; sometimes it’s reading or baking; sometimes it’s playing a video game. Today it’s writing. That’s what I need. I’m not really lonely. I have been out of my house and among enjoyable people more than I’ve been home this last week. I’ve got a cleaner house this week than I do many times. The laundry is nearly done. In the last month I have accomplished much, by my standards. And I do have people to talk to, if I needed to. But I don’t need to talk about anything that would make even decent conversation. I just need to blab.
I am free to talk all I want here, in my space, my depository of random thoughts. Here I find that this lonely that I feel is not actually lonely. This feeling that I am lonely because there is no one to talk to in this moment is not actually loneliness. Really, it’s weight. My thoughts may not be deep, but when I started this rambling post, they felt heavy.
And now I feel lighter. So, thanks, to all of you who read this, or just to the void. I’ve cycled back to writing and now I remember how freeing it feels.